Emotional Amusement Parks

On Friday the 13th of March 2015 my mother walked for the first time since June 27th of 2014.  Though she didn’t walk far or long I will bet that she walked a few thousand miles, in her mind, even though she only claims verbally to “have tried”.  From the time my mother stopped walking to the time she started again she spent nearly 31/2 months in rehab or ICU (all to very little if any benefit), had a feeding tube inserted, had the feeding through the tube stopped (though the tube itself remains) to eating like crazy, spent 5 months bed bound at home,  has been accepted into hospice, and is now on the verge of losing that benefit due to the drastic drastic improvements she has been making. 

My father is my mother’s main caregiver and during this same time period my father has had a car accident and went from being a driver to a non-driver, had several medication reactions (actual reactions and not mix ups or overdoses) which caused falls, delusions, a black eye, bruised chest and other issues lasting several weeks to a month or longer before finally clearing up and out of his system.  His colostomy has started coming out and as of March 11th, two days before my mother walked, he was diagnosed yet again with cancer.  All of this, really, has occurred since January. 

During this same time frame my brother also had a car accident.  My sister went from unemployed to employed to unemployed yet again and my other brother has gone from one design to another on my sister’s house as that was/is where we are planning to move my parents.  I have gone from driving about 30 miles a week to and from work to about 250-300 miles per week depending on how many nights a week I stay with my folks because they should really not be left alone.  I also went from driving my car, to driving my dad’s because it is the better of the two cars and better for me with the additional driving, to giving that car to my brother after his accident and now driving mine again.  

During many of the nights I slept at my folks’ house I have not slept.  Instead I have remained awake sitting on the stairs outside my father’s bedroom door listening to his breathing, his tears, and for signs (including bumps, bangs, and falls) that he was reacting poorly to meds.  Other nights I have spent awake with my mother listening to funny stories, giving her head rubs, or explaining why she can’t walk.  After the car accident I spent several days checking my father every two hours for a fever, cognitive status, etc.  

Through all of this I have learned to listen and not speak, to ask how I can help rather than inserting the help I thought was needed and I have prayed for the wisdom to know when to intervene and when to just be vigilant and watchful.  

After the car accident it became obvious that we had to move my parents and to do so quickly.  My father was trapped in a house that could and would likely hurt him more than it already has because it has stairs.  My father needs flat ground if he is going to live and care for my mother and for himself.  Our first plan was to add an addition to my sister’s home but licensing, permits, and cost prohibited that.  Next we thought about an apartment near my sister and one for me in the same complex that way two of us would be right there.  Eventually we realized this would not work as my father would still have duties to the house.  Finally we settled on revamping my sister’s house and my getting an apartment right around the block that we would still have two of us right there and and an extra bedroom at my place for when my sister needed respite or other family came by to help.  

Now, my father wants to halt all work as he does not feel he will be around to move or take care of my mother.  He also doesn’t know if my mother will be around for much longer after he leaves.  In terms of diagnosis I do not agree with his assessment.  My mother has conditions and not illnesses.  Her fragile state has been due to stenosis, her now fragile mind is due to dementia but that is still early yet and she is still mostly clear thinking and aware.  Stenosis is not necessarily progressive and though when she first stopped walking she also had a severe muscle loss from severe weight loss.  The feeding tube, for 5 months did nothing to improve that.  Now that she is off the feeding tube and getting nourishment, real nourishment, the muscles are building again.  She has a catheter which results in urinary tract infections so it is always difficult to know if she has dementia or an infection which can also weaken and confuse the mind.  The times she is most weak minded are the times she is most likely to have an infection.  

My father on the other hand is diabetic, he has only one kidney and it is failing, his knees are bone on bone and quite painful and debilitating and now he has cancer for the third time.  Due to the kidney situation he can no longer accept cortisone shots and also likely due to the kidney other pain and anxiety meds are not working well.  His mind, on the other hand, is as clear as can be and he does not want to burden his kids and only wants the best for his wife.  What all that means practically is yet to be seen.  

At times I feel as if I am in an emotional amusement park filled with all the gasps, ohs and ahhs that are found in a regular amusement park only the stakes are much higher and this is real life rather than an escape from it.  It is more than a roller coaster in that it has lightness, darkness, optical illusions, things jumping out at you or changing your perspective.  It is more than ups and downs with many more surprises and  it lasts a whole lot longer than the day you might spend at the park, let alone the minutes you might spend on a roller coaster.  

I remember the first time I went to Disney World and went on the Peter Pan ride.  Once you are in the car and the car starts moving you have that moment of fear, at least I did, when I noticed that the track disappeared.  I thought we were going to die until we started flying, being secured from above rather than from below.  Life is like that sometimes.  You lose your footing only to be given wings or lifted/carried by something or someone bigger than you instead.  

I also remember as a kid being afraid to go over bridges.  It took a few years for me to open my eyes to see the reality of what going over (across) a bridge means.  I couldn’t understand how/why so many people did so.  We used to spend family vacations at the Jersey shore and we would usually cross the Tacony Palmyra Bridge.  You could see the bridge span long before you were actually near it or in line to go over it.  My young mind thought that cars went over the span rather than under it.  I always figured the traffic jams on Saturday morning were due to the dangerousness of going over the bridge rather than the tie up at the toll booths.  The fact I couldn’t see cars going over the large metal structure just re-enforced my fear and because no one else in the car was afraid I thought I would be laughed at and simply shut my eyes rather than tell my parents I was afraid.  It took years for me to finally open my eyes and see that there was  a road way and that the metal was just what distinguished one bridge from another.  

I am happy to say that life is still like that for me only now I keep my eyes open all the time.  I know that my family is now engaged in the march towards eternity with both parents but I want to see and be surprised at all the unknowns that are still to come.  Seeing my parents and my siblings take this march together, like we took our family vacations together, is full of wonder, joy, laughter, surprise, pain, tears.  Like no one else knew that I had the fears I had I wonder what fears my parents or siblings have that they are keeping to themselves.  While a part of me wants to take them from them I also want them to see and know for themselves that just because the track you are on seems to disappear doesn’t mean that you aren’t secured from above and are then able to fly and that death is really a beginning, not an end.  

Dysfunctional Communities - Part 2

The reason this particular blog is being written is because "something happened".  That something is causing me to re-think and reassess the direction the shelter is taking.  What I learned is that my views and the views of those I serve are not in sync.  Go figure!

What happened is that we had our first meeting of the semester with our partner, Cabrini College, and it did not go as I would have liked.  Not that it went bad or anything like that, it just took a surprising turn, at least for me.  We have been doing this joint venture for nearly a year and a half now.  The joint venture is a semester long class that hopefully culminates in some sort of art project.  Last December the class ended with a book, An Abundance of Basics, and an art show.  This spring, who knows where the class will lead but possibly to Norristown's Art Hill Festival.  The class is a religion course on Faith and Justice taught by Nick.  Some of the classes are held at the shelter and when possible we hold one or two at the College, invite the residents, and hopefully some attend. Though we plan for this class we recognize that anything can happen.  We have a beginning and an end with a middle that can change on a dime (a vehicle can break down, shelter residents are sick and not up for it, we move a lot of people and the new folks aren't involved from the beginning, etc).  Still, we are committed to making this work because the students benefit from interacting and learning from the folks at the shelter and the residents benefit from learning about systemic causes of injustice and from having the opportunity to teach from their own experience and to tell their story to people that are listening.

What happened this past week is that Nick opened the group by introducing the class and the topics that would be taught.  Next, I introduced the students to the shelter and happened to mention that our next goal is to reduce the length of time that people stay because it is not the way that people should live. We do well as an emergency shelter but not as well when stays are prolonged and people adjust to the environment in less than healthy ways.  Rather than explain life at the shelter myself I invited the residents to talk about what it is like to live in the shelter.  Rather than talk about life in the shelter the residents (old, new, and former) talked about how I and the shelter changed their lives.  They were incredibly grateful and they said things like their marriage was saved, they learned to make better decisions and choices, and that they were glad they came.  They used language that implied that they believed their being at the shelter was 'divine intervention".  I was shocked and at one point stated that I was going to bang my head against the wall.  The next person that spoke started by saying that I should leave the room if I wasn't going to hear this, I left the room and started laughing.

Here I was talking about the problems with communal living and long stays and here were the residents  speaking about salvation.  That was a huge disconnect for me for several reasons:

1. I do not believe that homelessness is a god-send.  I believe that it is a matter of injustice, greed, brainwashing (which I will likely explain in Part 3), intolerance, sin (societal rather than individual), etc.  
2. I believe that the cure for homelessness is a combination of personal responsibility and systemic change but without systemic change personal responsibility alone will not cut it. Systemic change without deprogramming and art won't cut it either (this too will be further explained in part 3). 
3. The people that credited myself or the shelter with saving them, things that matter to them, or anything else are wrong.  They did it.  They did it because they risked enough to trust, risked enough to be honest, risked enough to consider something different, risked enough to do the hard work of self evaluation and risked enough to change their outlook, perspective, reasoning, belief, etc. etc.  
4. The community has to be involved and has to care.  In order for this to happen the community will have to do the same self-evaluation and risk taking that the residents did.  It will have to undergo the same deprogramming.  Art will have to be encouraged once again. 
5. All people desire connection to other human beings.  We all desire loving and meaningful relationships and being part of a community.  If people have to chose between housing and loneliness or a shelter and community (even if dysfunctional) some will chose the shelter rather than lose the community. Others will be too stimulated by it and not do well.  This is not intended in any way to imply that some people are homeless by choice just that some people remain homeless longer than necessary by choice. 
6. The homeless providing "system" is changing nationally.  Too many times, however, I find that the "system" congratulates itself for lifting people out of homelessness and into poverty and a return to isolation.  Without community the weight of poverty is too heavy to bear.  While this, housing, is exactly what is needed for some and truly an opportunity that should be available to all others need different options for living and benefit greatly from a caring community.  

Here is where things get interesting.  The shelter does have a large community that supports it.  The college is certainly part of it but so are some churches, high schools, individuals, other service providing organizations, and a host of others.

The churches do a great job.  For the most part I describe them as giant air compressors.  What they do through regular visits complete with prayer, worship, and fine food is lift the burdens of the people that reside in the shelter for a little while.  When burdens and heaviness are lifted people are able to see more clearly, to move more freely, and to breath.  When the crushing weight is gone people can escape, or at least get closer to the exit.    This is not unusual, we see this everywhere.  The Jaws of Life are put into action when people are crushed under the weight of metal after car crashes and many survive and actually thrive after healing takes place.

On different scales and varying levels this is what everyone that serves the CHOC does.  The College class does this, not directly for the whole center (but certainly indirectly), but for anyone and everyone that chooses to participate.  People that do participate get excited afterwards.  They have had the opportunity to join a group of people to discuss topics about life, faith, justice, and they are doing so in an environment that does not blame them but one that wants to learn from them and hear them, truly hear them.  The residents that participate then carry the excitement out to everyone else either verbally or by action.  Everyone notices, whether they speak of it or not, when someone is doing better and the message that sends is one of pure joy as in "I can do better too".

For the past few summers, 4 or 5 now, we have had this wonderful group named MFuge come to the shelter.  The come for 6 weeks with a different group from a different state each week. They too, are burden lifters.  They are young, pre-teen and teen aged, and they play with and dote on the residents.  They paint the ladies nails and make jewelry with them.  They attend barbecues and get involved in water fights. They also pray with the residents.  By way of work and their sheer numbers they save the shelter thousands of dollars as they can do in relatively little time what it would take a contractor or our own staff weeks to complete.  Sometimes I feel they don't comprehend the impact of their contribution or the value of laughter in a place like the shelter.  I am hoping some read this and become aware that their contributions are still being felt and seen.

This is a risky invitation the shelter offers to people.  It is risky because it ultimately requires soul searching and self-awareness, personal responsibility, emotional upheaval  a challenging of beliefs, etc. It is also risky because it may or may not be received or understood the way it was intended and can produce a bit of anxiety.

My main problem here and why I am writing this post is that I can see the transformations that take place in a dysfunctional community like the shelter.  Is there a way to create a community that exists outside of the walls of this building that gives and encourages in the same way.  Sometimes I feel that the shelter offers just as much safety to those that do serve as to those that are served.  I am not sure how many can do what they do without the confines of the walls and roof.

I know there are many communities that do what I am speaking of, I get that.  I suppose I am still wondering why there are whole groups of people that are excluded from them.  Could it be that there are still some very real myths, misconceptions, and fears that surround certain groups of people like the homeless for instance, or those that suffer with a mental illness, or an addiction.  I hope that I am wrong and if by chance I am right I hope that people reading this will allow themselves the same opportunity that those residing in the shelter do and that is to take the risk of self examination, challenging your beliefs, and examining the function of dysfunction in this world and in our communities.   As difficult a venture as this is it is certainly fun and exciting as well.      

Dysfunctional Communities - Part 1

Before getting to the gist (I don't know what that is yet) of this post a few things should probably be defined:

(It should be noted that these definitions come from the dictionary that came with my Mac with the elimination of those examples that did not suit the "gist" that I still can't figure out and the addition of some more examples not originally in the definition.  Also I want to point out that I left the "community of nuns" example" even though I don't find it a good one in regard to the part of the definition that points to "common ownership" when common or shared use is probably more accurate not just among a community of nuns but among many other hierarchical communities as well.)  

Dysfunction - 

• is typically defined as something that does not work properly like a toaster, a telephone, or a computer; of course companies and institutions can also be dysfunctional
• it also describes human behavior as in dysfunction is behavior that deviates from the social norm in a way considered bad.  

Community - 

• 1)  a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common: An artist or writer's community for example.

• 2) a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals: the sense of community that organized religion can provide.

• 3) Ecology a group of interdependent organisms of different species growing or living together in a specified habitat: a jungle or an ocean for example.

• a group of people living together in one place, esp. one practicing common ownership: a community of nuns.

• a particular area or place considered together with its inhabitants: a rural community.

I don't know about you but I am already confused by this and here's why: While these definitions have remained relatively static over the years what they are describing has not.  In regard to dysfunction and social norms I think we can all agree that the "norms' have changed drastically from "when we were young" (whatever that means).  I am making no judgments here but simply pointing out what I think is obvious.  In regard to communities I think we can say the same as evidenced by the many "fringe" communities that are forming and growing.  The larger communities that we all know and love aren't loving back and alternative communities are becoming the "norm".  Personally I find these new communities quite fun and exciting.  Though I am not much of a joiner, for my own personal reasons, I am certainly a supporter.  

As the director of a homeless shelter the words community and dysfunction are words that I struggle with daily. I struggle with them in both a community level and an individual level.  I suppose that makes me one of the luckiest people in the world as I believe that not struggling with these words makes life a bit boring and possibly even a bit dishonest if not lonely.  

By the above definition the homeless shelter is a community.  It also happens to be a community in a particular town, which is a community and in a particular county which is also a community, within a particular metropolitan area, which is a community as well.  Though it would be nice if each community in this circle embraced each other that is not often the case.  

The individuals in the community (the shelter) sometimes get along and sometimes don't.  As the Director my role is sometimes counselor, sometimes friend, sometimes mediator, sometimes judge, sometimes investigator, sometimes cheerleader, etc. etc and the roles are quite endless.  At times I am a high school principle and other times a college professor.  Some of these roles are strictly in relation to the shelter while others are in relation to the other communities that surround us, I am part of,  and that I try to connect with the shelter for many and varied reasons.  

The shelter is a community based on several of the above definitions.  Certainly it is a community based on its one roof, though leaky, and its common walls that the folks that utilize it live under for a time period ( a period that varies for each individual).  In regard to ownership, the institution owns all the commonly used amenities and though it would be great if the individuals that utilize the amenities, that they don't own, as if they did the institution could save a few bucks.  Though some do, others don't and that is just the way it is.  In regard to those things that actually are owned by the folks that use the shelter ownership sometimes changes hands quickly when and if opportunity knocks or presents itself like some one naps or blinks their eyes or walks away without securing what they do own.  

Certainly the idea of this community sharing common interests, attitudes, and goals is pretty much a crap shoot.  While the common thread is homelessness, the uncommon ones of addiction and other behavioral health concerns, loneliness,  anger, age, education, looking for love, looking for work, waiting for disability to come through,etc. etc make the common goal uncommon and unshared except among possibly a few.  At times it is these differences that can make the community a contentious and hurtful one.  

Without having to write too much on dysfunction in this setting I hope you can clearly see where it arises. The dysfunction is also a matter of environment: the amount of people that share the amenities with the many and varied issues they bring to it, including health related ones, means that the sharing that goes on includes the sharing of germs, viruses, bacteria, and other illnesses.  At times this makes myself and other staff take on the role of Florence Nightingale.   

I obviously haven't gotten to the gist of this post yet.  Hopefully what I have done is intrigue you enough that you will come back again for part 2 and hopefully you will share this, and that, when it is posted and more importantly that you will comment.  I really hope that this can be a conversation on community, homelessness, the function of dysfunction, fear, hope, desire and a host of other important topics that you think on.  I also hope that I have been able to lay a good frame work for what is to come in part 2 and possibly 3 though I am hoping it is only 2.   

What If...

...every time we talked with, served, related to another we saw ourselves instead?  Would we become nicer people, kinder people, gentler people, or do we not like ourselves very much and we could treat others worse if we were to see ourselves in them?   The question is a bit of a strange one I suppose but I wonder anyway.  

The idea came to my mind earlier this week when a co-worker came into my office to thank me for buying lunch.  I laughed because the co-worker had already thanked me about five times over and couldn't stop for some reason.  When I laughed and let her know how many times she thanked me she laughed as well and then stated that she was seeing herself in someone that she was serving.  The individual was getting on my co-workers last nerve as she was coming to her with every little thing over and over and over again.  My co-worker, friend, was getting shorter and shorter with her each time she dropped in again.  My comment on her thanking me five times over got a giggle because she was realizing that what she was doing to me was similar to what the client was doing to her.  I finally told my co-worker that yea, she could be really bothering me or she could just be really grateful.  

This little encounter caused my mind to shift in gear and I said "I have an idea".  What if we take pictures of everyone within our facility and make masks of each other.  We could all wear the mask of whoever we collectively decided was having the worst day for whatever reason.  We would judge the worst by behavior that was most out of character for for the person who received the dubious honor.  The person that was the shortest in temperament and disposition but normally patient, the person that grumbled and complained the most but was normally easy going, the wall flower that was normally a social butterfly etc.  

We thought we would experiment and see if seeing themselves or ourselves in everyone could get them /us to smile and return to their/our previous, more pleasant state.   This is different from everyone holding up a mirror.  The mirror would only serve to block the people we are looking at while the mask simply allows us to see a piece of ourselves including the face and eyes within the person we are relating to or being short with in that moment.  Would it change if we saw ourselves there?  Certainly we could laugh if we saw our head and face on a body that it just really didn't belong on.  But could the experience re-balance us, settle us, calm us?  

There is a french term, "Mise en Abyme" which translates placed into abyss.  Though there are many artistic uses of this term the most common description of it is being placed between two mirrors and seeing an endless and eternal view of the self.  Depending on the size and length of the mirror we would also endlessly and eternally see the context we are in.  To me that would certainly be an abyss and a very dark one at that.  

To anyone caught in that abyss I highly suggest that you stop staring into it and instead break the mirror and do so now.  Employ the use of a mask, not for yourself, but to place on others so that you can see a bit of yourself in them.  You and they are worth the kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and smile that this could generate.  

Unlike Mise en abyme  life circumstances and situations can and do change.  They change all the time. Mourning can turn to dancing and darkness is chased and eventually overcome by light.  For sure they will return but they will do so under different circumstances and at a different time because we have stopped staring in the mirror and given ourselves the possibility of new opportunities and perspectives and a different life than that offered in the abyss.  

Run John, Run

John was a 20 year heroin addict. Even so, he was extremely smart.  He read the papers daily, was politically astute, and knew jewelers and doctors in town.  He knew which ones were addicted as he was their runner.  Others were as well.  This is not an unusual set up; homeless as drug runners.  The doctors, jewelers, and other business folks can't afford to get caught so they would hire John.  

John eventually got tired of the street life and his body was paying the price. He decided to go clean.  Since heroin detox does not require a hospital and since John had no insurance we had little choice but to detox him in a shelter.  Myself and several other outreach workers would visit him everyday; change his dirty sheets, bring him coffee and Pedialyte, convince him to bathe, and clean his bedding again. 

John detoxed and stayed clean.  It was pretty amazing to watch him go from a scrawny addict bent over in pain to a rolly pollie Santa Clause.  This happens with  a lot of addicts  Coming off drugs and eating regularly adds weight quickly.  

We moved John from the shelter where he detoxed to a shelter near a college that had a running field.  We connected with some college students and they agreed to befriend John and start walking with him to see if he could shed some weight.  Like John, they were adults, and also like John they could talk a blue streak about anything.  It seemed a perfect match.  

John came into my office and one day and I told him about the students and asked if he wanted to start walking the track.  John looked all serious as I was telling him and when I finished he stood up and yelled "I thought you liked me".  "I do John", I said.  "Then why are you trying to kill me?"  Though I tried not to laugh I did not understand where this conversation was going.  John continued to look at me with rage and asked me again if I really did like him.  "Then why are you trying to kill me with that third rail?  That third rail will kill me!"  

By now I could not contain my laughter and John just got angrier.  I eventually explained that I was suggesting he walk the running track at the college not the train tracks or subway tracks.  He didn't get it and still thought I was trying to kill him and was angry but also hurt as he thought I liked him.  I brought in a co-worker to try and explain (also to share in this funny encounter) and he did not succeed either.  Now John thought that two of us were trying to do him in.  We added another co-worker and the same thing happened and now three of us were on the floor in tears and poor John, well,  he just got disillusioned.  

Eventually John did understand and when he finally did he just got mad at us for laughing.  Still he remained clean and sober, got healthier, and eventually forgave us.  To this day I still laugh every time I pass a running track, subway, or train station.  I don't see John anymore but I remember him fondly.  Now you can too.   

Meet Ed

This is Ed.  He is an extremely remarkable man.  He is bright and talented, honest and hard working.  He cares deeply.  He will be leaving the shelter soon and he will be missed.  He will be moving clear across the country and anyone that gets to meet him will be lucky.  I can say more but the remainder of this post is his own writing.  You will see that what I say is true and hopefully you will look out for him.

Take a glance, see the mural on America’s wall...of the families homeless on the outskirts of a mall.  Picture Busy streets , congested highways there - a man standing with a beggar’s sign, traffic constantly streams along.  No one will stop because most don’t care.  Goliath office buildings dwarf the city, vendors dress store windows with manne-quins  that show no pity, while on the heat vent just outside a mildew aroma arises from a sleeping guy.  Sympathy, like a stain on the ground in a subway tunnel where he used to lie down. Low tide at the river- a short reprieve for a family of five in a small tent city.  All casualties of a big bank charade like a maze of foreclosures blotting out family days. Elegant dinners for CEO’s politely ignoring the beggar which no body knows, using taxpayer money to chase him away with the help of a cop working ten hour days...Not a picture serene where a wing slightly blows, a sweet smell of lilac or the scent of a rose, it’s no picnic like yours cause they sleep in the parks, in America’s closets, they sleep in the 

Walking Away(from homelessness and other things)

It is possible to walk away from homelessness.  Just ask Chris, he did.  At the time he walked away he would not let me photograph his face but he did let me photograph his back, so, here he is... walking away.  After he walked away the next time I saw Chris' face was when he emailed photographs of himself from the Appalachian Trail.  He was smiling big then.  Hiking the trail was his big dream, his plan, and he did it.!  It was great to get those pictures.  He didn't like the shelter but seeing it was winter and one with a lot of snow there weren't many other options for Chris; so he planned, he saved, and he left.  

I wish more people would do that... walk away from what they don't like.  I also wish they would do it like Chris did, plan and make a move.  By doing it that way you are walking towards something and not just away from something.  By not doing it and staying where there is no happiness whatever happiness is found in other areas tends to diminish as well.